Jokes

1.
A STORY ABOUT EVERYBODY This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
VOTE: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10	qwerty 4.85

2.
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS 1 When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. 2 When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. 3 When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. 4 When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. 5 When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm. 6 When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. 7 When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative. 8 When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. 9 When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill. 10 When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
VOTE: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10	qwerty 4.20

3.
EAGER TO IMPRESS THE BOSS A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
VOTE: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10	qwerty 4.08

4.
IPS FOR SUCCESS IN BUSINESS 1 Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do. 2 Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander. 3 Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. 4 Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
VOTE: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10	qwerty 3.67

5.
A MANAGER'S DILEMA An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
VOTE: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10	qwerty 4.31