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| Update: |
October 24, 2007 |
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| qwerty | 57 |
| ase2000 | 43 |
| rick | 34 |
| ert | 29 |
| Naveed Ch | 26 |
| sido | 26 |
| jokes | 23 |
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| mr.sex | 20 |
| colacoka | 19 |
| frat | 18 |
| martin | 17 |
| juki999 | 17 |
| amanda | 17 |
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Golf Jokes
| 1. |
The amazing golf ball
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it." |
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tiger woods 4.10 |
| 2. |
The lawns of golf
law 1: no matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. this law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
law 2: your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. the probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
law 3: brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
law 4: golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. if one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
law 5: no matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "you looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
law 6: the higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
law 7: every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. the shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
law 8: topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
law 9: palm trees eat golf balls.
law 10: sand is alive. if it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
law 11: golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
law 12: a golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an irs agent -- or some similar combination.
law 13: all 3-woods are demon-possessed.
law 14: golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see law three).
law 15: a severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
law 16: "nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
law 17: the person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
law 18: the last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
law 19: golf should be given up at least twice per month.
law 20: all vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset. |
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mike 3.19 |
| 3. |
Q: What are the four worst words you could hear during a round of golf?
A: It's still your turn! |
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qwerty 2.00 |
| 4. |
Three duffers were out golfing with the club pro one day. The first duffer teed off and hit a dribbler about 60 yards. He turned to the pro and asked, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro replied, "Loft."
The next golfer teed off and duck hooked the ball into the woods. He asked the pro the same question.
The pro again answered, "Loft."
The third teed off and sliced into a pond. He too asked the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
Again, "Loft."
As they were walking down the fairway, the first duffer finally spoke up to the pro.
"All three of us hit completely different tee shots and yet when we asked you what we did wrong, you gave the same exact answer every time. So what does Loft mean?"
The pro shook his head and said, "Lack of Friggin' Talent!" |
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qwerty 1.00 |
| 5. |
Q: What's the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?
A: When a golfer lies he doesn't have to bring anything home to prove it! |
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qwerty 0.00 |
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